Tag: pregnancy

“My relationship with my body is love/hate – mostly hate.”

TW for bulimia.

My relationship with my body is love/hate – mostly hate. I have a 1 year old little girl and she has COMPLETELY changed my body! Before I got pregnant I was pretty curvy but felt fine about myself. I did always want to look like they did in magazines but not enough to actually do something about it!

I was about 30-something weeks pregnant when I started getting stretch marks and I felt horrible. I felt fat, bloated and ugly! Then I gave birth by cesarean and have been left with a scar that makes my belly look weird and saggy. I was sick of feeling fat and ugly so I did something about the weight. I lost 2 and a half stone within 6-8 months. I felt great physically but mentally still ugly.

I follow hundreds of clean eating and body building pages on Instagram and I want to be like them but I am so mentally drained with being a single mum that I have no motivation. I weigh myself everyday and if I put on a few pound I sometimes make myself sick. It’s so stupid. Sometimes I look in the mirror and feel great and think, “well, I look pretty hot for a mum!”, but that’s soon wiped away and I look closely at my stretch marks and lifeless boobs and feel like a deflated balloon.

Posted on by taithannah 2

Haikus about my body, my being

I’m a college lecturer in Media and English, a book reviewer and blogger.

Motherhood was and is a challenge for me. Not because I don’t feel like a mother or feel too lazy to bother about what it takes to be a mother. But because, I have a day job, I read a lot and I balance a household’s work. And add a two year old to it, and you have a masala! But I love it. Absolutely have no regrets about having conceived when I did, and having had a baby when I did! And by God’s grace, my husband and long-time friend, Terence Joseph is a gem. Hehe I know all wives would say that!

Below are a few Haikus I wrote after childbirth, last year.

Every drop of milk
of mine
is yours forever.

At the breast –
serene face,
watchful eyes.

Come, my child
let’s play
just you and me.

Shhh, he’s asleep
dreaming dreams
of tomorrow.

Starting to speak,
but even mama,
can’t comprehend.

A lover’s bed
unmade
memories that linger on.

And a short poem:

My body, A vessel

We were one,
You took shape inside me,
grew your limbs and eyes.

A speck that you once were,
a mere dot in a vast sea
now a little man yourself.

Our hearts used to beat in rhythm,
Now you lie on my chest,
my heartbeats lulling you to sleep.

My belly grew as you were designed,
The ridges and valleys still visible
on my stretched tummy.

The weight of life inside,
each day a new beginning,
each night a new feeling.

They told me it’d be sleepless nights,
now I wait for your sweet laughter,
to ring in my dreams.

Pain it was, searing through me,
Ripping my being apart.
I held back tears and groans,
Knowing it was you all along.

I gave you life,
And you gave meaning to mine.

I am a mother. A vessel.

Shana

Posted on by pinkapplejuice 2

“After having a baby I am proud of my body.”

I’ve never been completely happy with my body and I’ve never felt like a completely skinny girl, but after having a baby I am proud of my body. Not really for how it looks but for what it’s achieved!

My little boy is almost a year old and recently I’ve thought a lot about the last 2 years. How I went from feeling completely comfortable in my skin and wearing what I wanted and having so much freedom to, in a short amount of time, meeting someone, falling in love and falling pregnant within a few short months. I have to say, although I felt quite sad about the changes that my body was going through, I loved being pregnant! It’s not like how you see in the movies or on TV but it’s an amazing feeling.

I would coat my swollen stomach in gallons of cocoa butter and constantly look at my growing tum. I was bloated from the day I found out so by 4 months I looked about 6 months but I wasn’t worried.

At around 6 months my stomach started to get a few stretch marks, even after using loads of creams, lotions and potions. They were deep and red and even started to bleed later on but again I was amazed at how much my body was dealing with and just embraced every moment. My favourite part of pregnancy was the movement. In fact I would bathe for long periods of time in my later months just to watch the little guy wriggling around. I know that everyone has a pregnancy story and if you’ve not been pregnant it sounds like a bore but when it’s happening to you it’s too amazing for words.

Anyway the time came where he was ready to make an appearance. Gestation ends at 40 weeks but can give or take a week or two. I was lucky in that I had been in and out of hospital for bleeds and such things, and on my last visit I requested a membrane sweep to speed things along (basically a doctor just pulls the membranes away from the neck of the womb). Anyway that night at 3am my waters broke and so began the labour journey. I was 38 weeks and 6 days along. Having your waters break is odd. At first I felt a trickle but felt like when you come on at night and you don’t expect it – anyway, I moved my leg and it gushed everywhere (nice!).

We went in and was told that my contractions weren’t coming quick enough so to go home and wait. By 6pm the next day the pain was unbearable so off we went to the hospital again to be told that I still wasn’t far along so we went home and waited again. Finally by midnight I had had enough but was afraid if I went in I’d just get sent home so I did what every scared girl does – I phoned my Mum! She asked if the pain was worse, I didn’t know because it had been going for so long I just didn’t know if it was worse or if I just couldn’t cope. She said that it’s likely that he’s on his way so to go back in.

Luckily this time the midwives took one look and offered me the gas and air! Well I was 4cm dilated at 1am and after pethadine and gas and air by 7am I was 10cm. I was ready to push but the midwife wouldn’t check me as her shift was changing over. Once the new midwife had come in I had already been pushing almost an hour without there being anyone to deliver him if he did come. After another hour of pushing with the midwife assisting me in every way there was no way he was coming out. I was tired and sick and couldn’t cope. The midwife suggested we go to the main delivery unit and try a ventouse (a small suction cap) in the operating theatre. This part feels blurry as I was so tired and could feel every twinge! I remember being prepped for theatre and asked to sign all these forms to say that if there’s a complication I’ll have a hysterectomy or blood transfusion!

So in theatre I had a spinal block, which was amazing, and then I had to try and push while completely numb which wasn’t easy. After numerous attempts with the ventouse and forceps they advised I would need a Caesarean section. Finally at 10.04 AM he was born at 9lb 1 oz.

After being taken to the recovery room with him and giving him his first breast feed I felt so proud of my body. It’s not till you go through that that you realise how amazing a woman’s body is, to go from delivering to feeding my child with my own body – it’s amazing. I was upset I couldn’t deliver naturally but just happy that he was delivered healthy.

My stomach now is stretched and has small scars from blood thinning injections I had after, and I have my C-section scar, but it feels more beautiful than ever cause I now know exactly what my body can achieve and I’ve never loved it more. My little boy is one at the end of the month and is still nursed. Some people think I should have stopped by now but the thought of my body doing nothing for him scares me a little and when my milk dries up I’ll shed a little tear. Saying that, he won’t be breast fed when he’s old enough to ask but I can see why some mother get obsessed as it is a incredible bonding experience.

So that’s my body story and I feel glad to share it with you. It’s quite predictable, yes, but if it’s you or someone close to you the experience is completely amazing and just goes to show how strong and beautiful our bodies are.

image

– by an anonymous woman

Posted on by taithannah 0

“I now refuse to diet. I am a fat woman. I weigh 315lb and am 5ft 7in. Ask me my weight, I’ll tell you. I love myself the way I am and have no desire to lose weight. There is no thin woman trapped inside of me; I am chunky to the core.”

I remember the first time I realised that something was “wrong” with me. I was three and at preschool and one of the boys called me fatty fatty boomsticks. I was plump but not huge.

By the time I started school, I was viewing myself as a second class citizen because of my weight and school did not help this. I was teased unmercifully and my weight just kept increasing. I started to see my body weight as the key problem in my life. If I could just fix it, everything would be better. At 9 I stopped eating anything but tomato and cucumber for six weeks. I didn’t lose much and it didn’t stop the teasing.

By high school, I was miserable in my own skin and suicidal. I weighed about 82kg (180lb) and 5ft 2in. The doctor put me on a diet but because I had been starving myself, I actually gained 5kg (11lb). He accused me of cheating. People were horrible to me. The bullying got so bad that, years later, a number of people told me that when we were in high school they used to be glad they simply weren’t me.

At 15, my blood pressure became dangerously elevated and I was told to diet or die. I lost 40kg (88lb) through sheer persistence and hard work. For the first time I actually liked myself but I realised that how you feel about yourself is in your head not a function of fat on your behind. They weight came back, as it always did and forever will but my confidence stayed higher than it was before.

The next problem was that my weight was affecting my fertility. I weighed about 300lb at the time. I tried for eight years to get pregnant but no dice. I knew I needed to lose more weight than I could on my own so I had a lap-banding. It was a devil’s bargain. I was miserable, in pain and vomiting but with extreme exercise, the weight just fell off. I lost 70kg (154lb) in seven months. My ego got huge and I did not like the person I had become. I later realised the ego was a covering the fact I was deep down unhappy. I could not relax or enjoy being thin because if I did the weight might come back. Fortunately I got pregnant but regained nearly half the weight during the pregnancy.

As my son grew, so did my weight. The lap-band only slowed the regain and there was so much pressure to lose weight that I kept trying, losing and regaining, developing increasingly disordered eating habits and severe arthritis in my knees from pushing myself to exercise so hard. I was starting to see that this was destructive for me and truthfully, I felt like I was a traitor to myself each time I celebrated a loss.

In my thirties, I decided to embrace my weight. I started to use the word fat for myself and be really upfront about my size. I decided to be kinder to myself and stop believing the things society tells me I should think about myself. I was still dieting though.

The final straw came when I was about 37. It is very hard to find a doctor that supports my position of self-governance regarding my weight. My GP at the time blackmailed me into having my lap-band tightened (against the surgeon’s better judgement), so tight that I could only take liquids. My liver function started to decline as a result. This is where I called a halt. I realised this pressure was no longer about making me healthier but about making me try to conform to societal ideas of beauty. Over my life time I have lost about 510lb and regained it. If dieting was going to work long term, after 25 years, it would have done so.

I now refuse to diet. I am a fat woman. I weigh 315lb and am 5ft 7in. Ask me my weight, I’ll tell you. I love myself the way I am and have no desire to lose weight. There is no thin woman trapped inside of me; I am chunky to the core. I do not diet but instead treat my body with dignity by giving it healthy food and as much exercise as my disabilities allow. I dress boldly, shave my head and am covered in tattoos. People stare; I stare right back. It is a struggle to get doctors to respect my wish regarding my own body but I believe it is a basic human right to control what happens to my own body and because I love myself, I persist in the fight.

The thing I learnt through all this, is that your self-esteem is not about your body but your mind and your thinking. Constantly worrying about your weight is a pretty depressing way to live and allowing others to influence how you think about yourself is effectively turning over your power to them. Change your mind.

Posted on by taithannah 0

“…I fucking love the human body and I guess that includes mine.”

*Trigger warning for mention of sexual abuse and discussion of abortion*

When I was 11, other girls liked my body because I was thin and I had started growing breasts.

Someone else liked my body and coerced me into sharing it with them when I didn’t want to.

All I wanted was to get my period and be a real woman.

When I was 12, I bled for the first time and every month from then on, I hated my body because it caused me pain. Once I started menstruating, I wasn’t thin anymore, either.

When I was 23, I had the worst period I had ever had. It was summer and it was hot. I was pacing and crying and moaning in agony.

That was the last period I had for a while.

When I took the pregnancy test and it was positive, I just laughed. I had taken the morning after pill. It had made my breasts hurt. I knew then that it wasn’t working and that I was pregnant, but I ignored it. Finally a friend forced me to take a test.

There was never any question of continuing the pregnancy. I was single, homeless, on the dole and mentally ill. It was the first and only time I had ever had unprotected sex. It had happened on the most fertile day of my cycle. And my body did something amazing and started to grow a baby.

I started the process of being referred for an abortion the day I found out. I secretly delighted in the life inside me. I relished in every symptom of pregnancy that I had. I worked out my due date. I followed the progress of the embryo.

I was pregnant and single, and maybe it was hormones, but as I waited the ridiculous delays and jumped through the ridiculous hoops that would allow me to terminate an unwanted pregnancy, I had the most and the best sex of my life. I had a lot of orgasms of my own, and I gave a lot to other people.

I’m not pregnant anymore.

Sometimes I’m sad about that. But it taught me a lot about my body.  I learned that my body was capable of miracles.

I know I can create and carry life. I intend to again one day.

I know I can endure incredible pain. Never let an anti-abortionist tell you lies about women getting abortions on a whim, for a laugh, and using it as contraception. I have never experienced such pain and physical trauma. Pacing and crying and moaning in agony a thousandfold.

I know I am capable of experiencing and giving incredible pleasure.

I didn’t know these things before.

My body is hairy and wobbly and a lot of the time I feel ashamed of those things. But my body is warm and strong and life-giving and pleasure-giving and when I’m naked with a lover, all I do is laugh because I fucking love the human body and I guess that includes mine.

Posted on by taithannah 0