“When I was growing up, I always felt a little heartbroken.”

*Trigger warning for self-harm*

When I was growing up, I always felt a little heartbroken.

I think it started at school, when I was the girl in the game of ‘spin the bottle’ that no one ever wanted to kiss. I still remember when one of my classmates (who I kinda fancied) asked everyone why they were punishing him when he got a dare of having to give me a peck on the cheek. I never played ‘spin the bottle’ again. After all, why would I make anyone subject themselves to the torture of touching repulsive me.

I was never picked to be at the front in the class photos and always got picked last in PE. Not that it really upsets me now. I never liked sports, playing basketball was like the 7th layer of hell…Yeah, I was an awkward teenager, with loads of acne and an inability to stand up for myself. And thanks to other kids/teenagers in school, I’ve learnt to be really, really cruel to myself.

At the age of 14 not only did I let other people mentally hurt me, I started physically hurting myself. For a few years, cutting was the only way to feel. I even used to carry a razor blade under the cover of my phone in case things got ‘too much’ at school. And all the time I was injuring myself, I felt like I deserved it. Each scar on my arm was for some special reason. My ‘ugly’ nose. My ‘ugly’ eyes. My ‘ugly’ hair. My ‘ugly’ legs. I even went to extremes of thinking that my toes were really hideous because, I thought, I had abnormally small toe nails.

I must’ve been really out of luck, because when I got my first boyfriend (at that point it seemed like a miracle that anyone would ever use their time to spend with me), the nicest thing he ever said was, ‘You’re not the ugliest girlfriend I ever had’.

See? I hope now you understand why I was so heartbroken all the time.

Thankfully, it wasn’t all shit. By the time I was 16, I became the cool depressed goth kid. And that landed me with the young Kurt Cobain-looking boyfriend. The one that all the girls wanted. It’s funny, because up to this day I still want to hold up my middle fingers at every girl who bullied me and shout “Fuck you, bitches, the hot guy thinks I’m hot!”.

In ideal world I should never have suffered what I suffered, or worst of all, thought it was my own fault. But this is not an ideal world and I’m making the best of it. I slowly started building my confidence again. I kissed a lot of boys. I kissed a lot of girls. Learnt that I’m not that ugly at all. Now I’m 22 and do nude life modelling to make extra cash. And sure, I still get my heartbroken days, when my lumps and bumps seem too lumpy and bumpy and my toenails just seem too small, but at least now I have the resilience to say ‘fuck it all’, put a pair of heels on and maybe flash somebody at the pub.

2 thoughts on ““When I was growing up, I always felt a little heartbroken.”

  1. HI I can really relate to you in some ways…I too was a very depressed in High School. My older brother died when I was 16 and he was 20. I found him lying in in the corner of his room after he had died. I was in the kitchen and heard him screaming in his room..after it stopped I went in and there he was in the corner. After that I became very religious, but not spiritual. Then after college I was engaged to a woman who also became suicidal(looks like a pattern forming?? yes it did!). Well she started herself on fire and almost died. After that I started cutting. I felt so worthless and guilty. After many hospitalizations I was still depressed and on a whole bunch of meds. I started giving myself black eyes, literally beating myself up…I though I deserved it. After many years I began to practice Yoga. That helped me soooo much. Now I too am an art figure model who models nude. I no longer hate myself so much and feel proud of my body. The people around me …they were the one’s with the problem..I was not to blame for their actions…they decided to do them. To some people I am ugly…to others I am beautiful….but I try always to see myself as divine and physically attractive despite my wrinkles and baldness. All this stuff is from the culture anyway—attractiveness. Thanks for sharing your blog….hope you have a great week

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