I love my body but your entries made me cry because I am so far from feeling comfortable in my skin. I’m strong and fast. I have perfect eye-sight and good balance. I have a high sex-drive and a good pair of lungs and no matter how much I poison my body, it keeps healing. It’s true what you say about the scars. When I look at them, I think of healing, not pain.
But then there’s other people. There’s the men in my life. And the women. And there’s being a queer feminist, which is a very different experience to that of most self-empowered women. All around me I see women embracing their curves and their femininity, having fun with fashion, displaying their sexuality and learning to love their bodies and feel attractive.
I feel like I can’t travel this road with my female comrades. I can’t embrace my femininity because it repulses me. I don’t mean that I want to be male. I’m proud (insofar as you can be) to be a woman. I wish I could dance and be naked and feel free but I don’t feel that I can in this gendered environment. I think a large part of anyone’s self-esteem is constituted by sexual confidence, maybe more for women than for men. But I can’t see how this confidence can exist independently of how others see me. The problem is that, rather than change my own way of thinking, I’m waiting for society to break down so that I can be free of prescribed roles and this will never happen.
The key is not to care what others think. Easier said than done. But what about the other thing? What about feeling attractive with a partner? How can you be attractive without becoming a ”woman”?
I hope this makes some sense…
by an anonymous woman